For two and a half years, I was a foster mom in this wonderful county. It has been something that I have wrestled talking about as I write for Motherhood Avenue. I have come to the conclusion that the 23 children who have come through my home at one time or another and then left, are still very much an important part of my life and our family. I made a promise to myself that I would be open to my readers when I started writing. I want to be real about the love that I have to give and the love that drives me insane because of how much I miss those children.

I want to be real about the parts of being a mommy to my boys whom I love so dearly. Then there are the other parts of motherhood, maybe you know about these kind of moments. The times when the phone is ringing, the dog is barking, and a gallon of milk (that I just bought for close to 5 dollars) is now all over the floor. The moment continues as the older little darling is crying ever so loudly (even though I am still on the phone). My other child on the other hand, is quite....hmmmmm.....what is he doing???? You know the days filled with these type of "just someone help me" raw and candid moments.

Yeah, I want to be brutally honest about those days too.

I had one of those days yesterday. It was hectic and I think I almost ran the other way when my husband got in from work. I just needed to get one second to breathe in a room and relax for two minutes. After we put the kids in bed, I spent some minutes with my husband, just him and I. Things had (finally) settled down and I was just about to get some shut eye. Then the phone rang (now mind you, it is 12:32 am). It was DYFS wanting us to consider taking a child for an emergency placement. I wanted to............and with a glance at my husband......I said "NO". That is the hardest thing a foster mom can say, "NO". We know that a child like that needs someone. We know that a worker at 12:30 needed us, needed us to take him or her. But after the day that I had, it just wouldn't be fair for me to bring him or her into a home that was already exhausted and overworked. It just wasn't meant to be. I still feel the guilt of saying "no, not now" to DYFS. Now 2 days later, I am still in detox mode from that same day. I hope the foster child they called about is OK tonight, and I hope they found a foster home with a mom that had enough energy to help him or her through the next couple days of missing his or her real mom. It comes with the job of fostering that I hate to love. So now 2 days later, I am left with the guilt of not being able to help and I wonder, is he or she OK............???? I will never know.